" We were supposed to be..." I say it often now. I know we all do. That's when I really feel a tug on my heart. When I'm erasing our "could have been," from my calendar.
Before this pandemic our life was chaos. Everyone's was. Let's be so honest. And I could confidently tell you, I was happy. Overwhelmed at times, yes. But I felt blessed to have so much to look forward to. Particularly in Spring. I was so excited for my older daughters recitals and pre-school graduation. We would celebrate my sons third birthday (three rex style ) and our baby would have her naming ceremony. It was a beautiful, chaotic life.
Some of those life events were postponed, others, like birthdays will be celebrated in a different way from which we planned. Life looks a lot different now. Like nothing we could have ever anticipated. We are home, unless we take a drive somewhere or a walk. We see our family, outside only and from more than 6 feet away, and we juggle long work days and remote learning for our kids. When I get to those days, those ones that were going to be extra special, I know the feeling so well. I once read an article that what we are feeling during this pandemic is grief. I remember nodding my head the entire time. That's what it is. We are grieving "what could have been/ what was supposed to be."
It is without a doubt the same exact feeling I have today. Today, would have been my mom’s birthday. But it's not. Well, it is to us but she isn't here. And this date always rolls around and I think of all the things we would have been doing if she were here. Celebrating her with cake, and snuggles, and presents.
I know we can see a clear line of where people fall with their thoughts on the pandemic. But here is what we can all agree on: we collectively grieve what was supposed to be. At first, we survived. Clawing for every breath. Working through the impossible. It's like we were climbing an insurmountable terrain and all we can think is "how will I ever get though this." And that thought repeated itself in our heads almost daily. Juggling work, kids, the stress of the news, family. It's too much really. But at some point you realize you can do this, or maybe you just realize you have been doing this and what choice do you have but to continue to move forward.
And then it happens, maybe not for you yet, but you take a turn and realize that it is so important to try and let go of what could have been in order to focus on what is. It's hard. Oh is it ever so hard. But we will all get there. I know we will because this is exactly what grief is like.
Life has moved forward. It doesn't mean I have forgotten and moved on. Without a doubt, and for the rest of my life I will grieve my mom. I will grieve the what could have been and that gaping hole that can't be replaced in my life. I believe the reason I celebrate birthdays and joyous events so largely is because I know exactly what it feels like to not have the opportunity to.
But I would be lying to you if I told you I didn't learn from this all. Both from the loss of my mom, and this pandemic. I did. I learned a lot. I continue to learn more every day. What a waste if we didn't come out of something so horrific without the ability to show more gratitude to how precious life is, to relish in those crazy chaotic days, and to really appreciate a hug and a good face to face conversation with the people you love the most in the world. That's why what we feel is the same, it's grief, it's sorrow, it's loss.
So today, I will send my mom a heavenly happy birthday. I will talk to my children about her spirit and what parts of her live on in them and I will look at my children knowing so much beauty is left to be seen in the world, even though so much has been taken from all of us. I know without a doubt, as long as we have our health and I pray for good health every day, that we will be more then okay.
It's not supposed to be like this but I'm starting to see there is some beauty in the breakdown, in the slow down. It's only when we truly let go of what could have been, will we see all that we have now, is all that we may need.
Memoirs of being a mom