My dear fellow grief warriors
I am not sure where you are in your journey, or who it is you may me grieving, but here is where I am and here is what I want you to know. I lost my own mother less than three years ago after a courageous battle with cancer. Many of you who grieve alongside of me, openly, or silently, know that grief, oh that dirty thief of happy moments known as grief, comes in waves. When a loved one passes we put on a brave face to battle the big moments: the first holidays, birthdays, graduations, celebrations, and milestones. We know that without a shadow of a doubt, no matter how joyous the celebration or day is, our heart will lay heavy and our mind will wander to that empty chair knowing that it should be filled with our loved one. What I have come to realize is that tiny ordinary daily moments, unexpectedly can take our breath away just as much as those momentous holidays and celebrations.
You see my story is about a tiny pumpkin soap dispenser. Seems ordinary enough, but this little soap dispenser is the reason for my unexpected moment of grief. This came on a seemingly arbitrary date at 2 years and 5 months and some odd days since my mother's passing, a random summer night, digging through an overstuffed closet, grief found me in the form of the soap dispenser my mom had given me a few months before she passed. It was unopened when I found it. You see, she was a believer in decorating her home from wall to wall with the current season. If she were here now she would be preparing for her favorite season, Fall. Her house would be covered with yellows, oranges, and maroons. Pumpkins, scarecrows and annalees would adorn every square inch of her home. The smell of pumpkin spice and cinnamon would be so thick you would think you ate a cinnamon stick just by stepping on her front porch. Mums would line every step on her porch only to give way to an ornate display of haystacks right before you entered her home. And of course my family would joke, she would run to the nearest Bath & Body works to grab her favorite seasonal soap. You were not fully equipped for the Fall if you were stuck using a cucumber melon soap in September, of course.
I'm not one to believe that time heals. It hasn't. It won't. It shouldn't. Not with a tremendous loss such as this. While not every thought is consumed with the loss of my mother, not one day passes that I don't think of her, speak of her, and speak to her.
A dear friend recently told me that it is best to accept that none of this will ever be okay. It would never be fair for her to lose her life so young, for me to lose her so early in my journey through motherhood. She told me to dig, to cry, and to find peace as we continue to process this tremendous loss and peel away layer by layer of what it means to be a motherless mother. A daughter who lost her first example and foundation of what it means to love, and the woman who defines how I parent and raise my own family. And for once, I liked that advice. To never accept this to be okay, BUT to do my best with what remains. And so I do, each and every day. That soap is in my kid’s bathroom. I can look at my little shimmery pumpkin and laugh that while my house is not quite as ornate as hers once was, it wouldn't be fall without seasonal pumpkin soap.
And that's what I want you to know. Grief, it comes in waves. It comes in big moments and in small moments. And at no moment do you need to be hard on yourself, and any moment is an okay moment to grieve. It's called a journey for a reason. And so I share mine. So you know, you are not alone, wherever you are along the journey of grief, and for whomever you may be grieving. Write. Speak. Cry. Or go buy some pumpkin soap. Whatever it is. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It can be small; but significant on your heart. Share your loved one often, for as long as you live, they too shall live.
Carry on my little grief warriors. In big moments. In small moments. I don't know who you have looking down over you, but I know that they will want you to make the best of what remains, and I believe you can do that too!
Sending you my love on your journey ️